*ding* (starts to drool)

it friday, and what that means to me is chipotle for lunch. from the moment i awake i begin to crave a delicious steak fajita bol*. it's as if my alarm is set to play pavlov's bell every friday morning, and that bastard trained me with chipotle. i'm not even sure how long i've had this ritual going, but now i can't imagine it any other way.

the chipotle by my work is awesome. they have the typical business card drawing for a free lunch, but it's a free lunch for up to 25 of your coworkers! because i'm not the only one here obsessed with chipotle, and because we have sweet business cards, we have won free lunch at least 4 times. plus, the chipotle employees always recognize us when we go in, making sure to ask how our day is going. it's kind of like cheers, except without the beer and everyone yelling "norm!"



*that's how they spell it, i'm not a total idiot

i take that back...

wishing can get my friends knocked up.

bubble girl

so apparently when you're pregnant, you might as well live in a bubble for nine months since everything could be bad for your baby. avoid deli meat. avoid chocolate. avoid sushi. avoid air... really, the precautions seem to go a bit overboard.

one of my bigger fears about becoming pregnant was that i'd feel like i live in a bubble. i didn't want my life to change while everyone else's stayed the same. i didn't want to feel like an outcast or worse, a burden to my friends. i didn't want to lose the life i was enjoying.

so far, i'd say the changes are happening. obviously, i can't drink, and the bars i can go to around here are limited since smoking isn't completely banned in my city. i'm too tired to stay up really late like i always used to. only half my friends even know that i'm pregnant as of now, and unfortunately none of them are close to being pregnant along with me. i think it would really help a lot if i had a close friend who was going through the same physical, emotional and environmental changes i am, but wishing won't get my friends knocked up...

the day that changed everything

so i cried this weekend because i couldn't order seafood, and then i continued to cry because i was crying because i couldn't order seafood. luckily this was in the comfort of my own home before i placed the call to order.

also this weekend, i watched an entire football game. sober.

for those of you who have put it together, bravo. for the rest of us, i'll just get to the point:

i'm pregnant.

i've been repeating those two words to myself as often as possible, toggling between a question and a statement, hoping the thought will completely sink in. it's starting to work, and surprising to myself i'm actually getting excited.

anyone who knows me knows i'm not very comfortable around babies, or kids. being the youngest in my immediate family and second youngest in my extended family, i am lacking in experience. i've always been much more relieved when my coworkers bring in their dogs as opposed to their children. this being the case, i didn't often picture being pregnant or being a mom. envisioning marriage and a career came so much easier.

i've only known about said bun in oven for five days, and already i've hit about every emotion imaginable — fear, sadness, anxiety, excitement, relief, joy, pride — it's been a roller coaster. last night was when the happiness and excitement began to creep to the surface. i went to the mall with amg, and as i was walking around i felt a sense of internal duty. i can kind of compare it to the first time a child is given complete responsibility for something. they take such care and effort with their task because they want to prove their abilities not only to their parents, but mostly to themselves. i feel so fortunate to have the responsibility of growing a little human inside me, and i feel bad that my husband doesn't have this opportunity. i would actually venture to say that the privilege of this experience will far outweigh the physical pains that come with it later.

there's so much going on in my mind, it's difficult to concentrate on much else. i'm assuming this will subside a bit over time, but for now i just keep thinking about how strange this feels and how lucky i am.

where else can you hear someone sing radiohead right after iron maiden

i'm officially addicted to rock band. that game is so much fun, especially when you have the perfect band — the warriorrz. the warriorrz consists of myself on lead vocals, the notorius* sac on guitar and magnum di on drums. needless to say, we're awesome.

sac is by far the most talented, scoring an average of 97% on expert with songs he's never even heard. magnum has really found his niche on the drums as he can wear his red bandana and randomly yell "revolution bitches" with his sticks forming a "v." i have really found that the classic rock artists of the late 70s and early 80s needed to stop doing drugs and start forming consistent, melodic vocal patterns.** my favorite song to sing would have to be "maps," and the list of least favorite songs unfortunately keeps growing. i have to wonder why itunes hasn't put out a rock band play list. i've already downloaded some trouble songs and forced myself to listen to them on repeat until i catch all the nuances that cause me to score a 75%.


*actually misspelled in the game
**i'm looking at you mountain and rolling stones, grrrrr

so did my whining pay off?

it appears that i might actually get to participate in choosing a presidential candidate before all but one on each side has conceded! ahh, democracy in action...

now maybe if i start whining about wanting longer weekends...

it's my blog and i'll cry if i want to

so yesterday i had started writing this whole post somewhat defending hillary's "moment of emotion," but apparently new hampshire took care of that for me. my defense didn't include her coming in first, however...

i guess what i really wanted to defend is the act of crying, not the female presidential candidate. i'll be the first to admit my guilt of underestimating the importance of shedding necessary tears — so much so, it affected my personal well-being. what i've had to learn by experience is that crying is completely natural, and completely misjudged — contrary to what seems to be socital belief, crying does not equal weakness.

i grew up in a family that didn't cry, so to me it wasn't something "normal" to do. i can count on one hand the total number of times i have seen my immediate family members cry — combined. now that's not to say i don't despise people who use overuse tears as tools for attention and manipulation, but it would have been nice to see some signs that my family was human.

there are many different scientific and psychological studies on the health benefits of shedding sorrowful tears – both mental and physical. it's also really interesting to read about how the acceptability of crying has changed over time.

just in this past year have i experienced what i would consider the most real cry of my life. the emotional take-over was so physically exhausting i had to take a nap in the middle of it. i couldn't stop, and for the first time i didn't want to. it was so cleansing, overpowering, soothing and in the end, it balanced me. it really made me see the significance of such a natural, human ability.

i still don't practice crying on a regular basis, although for me i'm not sure i ever will because people are different and the frequency of needing to cry obviously varies. the good thing is that i now know it doesn't make me a weak person to do so, in fact, it seemed to take more strength to let myself really cry than continue not to. it made me face the realization that there really are things in my life i can't control, and that i'm not invincible. i do know that if i ever feel the need to bawl uncontrollably again i won't be as hesitant to hold back, and i now think much differently about others when they need to cry.

please iowa, don't leave us with another john kerry

it's caucus day, the first day of the presidential primaries and i find myself frustrated and scared because i'm sure at least half the people living in our country (or even in iowa) have no idea what that means. well i know, and i care, but i probably can't do anything about it because i live in nebraska. instead i will just have to watch in envious anticipation as citizens of my neighboring state have the opportunity to make their voices heard.

i'm mostly afraid of feeling the same way i did on november 3rd, 2004 when i realized that it would be another four long years before it seemed like our government did anything to truly benefit its citizens. while more statistics about depression, obesity, anxiety, family separation, poverty and crime continue to climb, we somehow keep failing to right this ship before it crashes into the deadly iceberg that lies visibly before us. we're a better nation than that. the greed and self-gratification needs to leave our positions of power, and the true spirit of community needs to return. i expect more out of this country, and i think everyone else should, too.

so it starts here, a mere five hours and 30 miles away. iowa, it's up to you to start cranking the helm, because i don't know how we can withstand another full term of disappointment and shortcomings in our american government.