my dad

they say the holidays are always tough if you've lost someone close to you, but i don't know if they meant halloween. i lost my father a few years ago to that god-awful disease we all know as cancer. it has probably technically been longer than a "few" years, but even in 15 years it'll still feel like just a few.

my dad always grew an elaborate garden, and every year around this time we would harvest his pumkins and sit on the living room floor to carve them. throughout my whole life he always encouraged my artistic abilities and halloween was no different. he would hand me a permanent marker so i could draw whatever design i wanted on the pumpkins, then he would have the tough job of cutting those designs out. this was before those nice pumpkin carving kits, so he just used a regular old knife. my dad was always up to whatever challenge my design presented, and he always made sure to get it right.

the last few years i've carved pumpkins with friends. i have a great time and our pumpkins have always turned out awesome, but nothing will compare to those fall nights spending time with my dad.

it's funny what things i miss about my dad. i think about him when i'm carving pumpkins or working in my garden; whenever i see a shooting star i remember the nights we would lay out in our front yard in sleeping bags watching meteor showers; every spring i'm reminded of track meets and practices when he was my coach; and even just the sound of sports on tv or radio reminds me of him because of his love for baseball, football and basketball. i will never forget fishing for walleye and northerns in canada, taking awesome summer family vacations all over the country or picking out and decorating our christmas tree. i miss his laugh and his sarcastic sense of humor. i miss when he used to say "that sucks" just because it drove my mom crazy. and the thing i miss most of all are his great big hugs.

he was such an amazing person and father, and he has been on my mind a whole lot lately. i hope he knows how much i love and miss him.

funny, i don't feel dead

i ran out of productive things to do at work today, so i decided to google myself. my married name didn't come up with a whole lot, but using my maiden name i found out that i died on january 21st of this year. i'm cool with that, but i wish i were a little less visible as a ghost. and why do i have to keep coming to work?

speaking of ghosts, halloween is almost here. i love how as kids it's a holiday all about candy and superhero garb and as adults it's all about alcohol and girls in slutty costumes. i'm trying to come up with something clever to be this year, but i'll probably just go to the party in my pajamas again saying that "i'm a 6th grader at a sleepover." really not lazy at all. i want to utilize some of that fancy makeup like scars or bullet holes, but i can't think of any great costume idea that's both clever and gruesome.

also speaking of ghosts, the debate over whether or not ghosts exist has come up a couple of times for me this week. my theory on it is that all beings (dead or alive) occupy the same space, but reside in different dimensions, and sometimes those diminsions are blurred. that's about all i got. it really doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but i do believe in "ghosts." or at least i want to believe in ghosts. especially since i am one.