the day that changed everything

so i cried this weekend because i couldn't order seafood, and then i continued to cry because i was crying because i couldn't order seafood. luckily this was in the comfort of my own home before i placed the call to order.

also this weekend, i watched an entire football game. sober.

for those of you who have put it together, bravo. for the rest of us, i'll just get to the point:

i'm pregnant.

i've been repeating those two words to myself as often as possible, toggling between a question and a statement, hoping the thought will completely sink in. it's starting to work, and surprising to myself i'm actually getting excited.

anyone who knows me knows i'm not very comfortable around babies, or kids. being the youngest in my immediate family and second youngest in my extended family, i am lacking in experience. i've always been much more relieved when my coworkers bring in their dogs as opposed to their children. this being the case, i didn't often picture being pregnant or being a mom. envisioning marriage and a career came so much easier.

i've only known about said bun in oven for five days, and already i've hit about every emotion imaginable — fear, sadness, anxiety, excitement, relief, joy, pride — it's been a roller coaster. last night was when the happiness and excitement began to creep to the surface. i went to the mall with amg, and as i was walking around i felt a sense of internal duty. i can kind of compare it to the first time a child is given complete responsibility for something. they take such care and effort with their task because they want to prove their abilities not only to their parents, but mostly to themselves. i feel so fortunate to have the responsibility of growing a little human inside me, and i feel bad that my husband doesn't have this opportunity. i would actually venture to say that the privilege of this experience will far outweigh the physical pains that come with it later.

there's so much going on in my mind, it's difficult to concentrate on much else. i'm assuming this will subside a bit over time, but for now i just keep thinking about how strange this feels and how lucky i am.