new year, new president, new baby, new blog post...

on sept. 10th we welcomed little chase into our lives, and the past four months have been a crazy, busy, scary, fun, adventurous, exhausting blur. looking back, i can't even account for 4-months-worth of days. i hope the rest of my life doesn't go this fast because i want to feel like i'm living it.

i had no idea what to expect when having a baby*, and i still feel like i'm waiting for all the dust to settle on my new life. i can't believe i'm completely responsible for someone else's life. pretty much every choice i make at every moment will impact him in some way, and that is a a little overwhelming to say the least. i completely dread messing up and hurting him in any way, and it's especially hard because there's rarely a true right and wrong.

there are so many things that nobody tells you about, and i hate the over-simplified statement, "having a baby changes your life." no shit? thanks for that helpful nugget of wisdom...

surprisingly there are really only a few things they drill into your head over and over again: 1) don't leave your child unattended, and 2) when it comes to sleeping, back is best! so not only am i worried about messing my kid up for life, i'm completely scared into thinking my baby will fall off everything and then die of SIDS. but what if you and your baby can't sleep at night because he is completely uncomfortable in his crib? and how do you transition him out of being swaddled? how can he soothe himself back to sleep when he hates pacifiers? and realistically, how do you NOT nurse or rock your baby to sleep?

also, what i was never warned about is that babies can't exactly breathe in the cold, so if you live in the midwest and you want to take your little guy outside, you'd better put something over the car seat or your baby will freak out and stop breathing. i could have used some info on that. maybe everything i truly need to know is in a good book somewhere and i should read more, but oh wait, i have a full-time job and a baby and need some sleep and a shower every once-in-awhile.

clearly i have a hard time relaxing in general, and so far having a baby has significantly increased my anxiety — and then increased my anxiety over being so anxious. i absolutely love my little man and want the best for him in every way, but at what cost to my sanity and then the effects of my insanity on him? i guess i don't know how one can really relax with such an awesome responsibility of bringing a new life into this crazy, complicated, scary, huge new world. i hope i can soon figure that out...


*fuck that completely unhelpful book...