lost art

last night i sat down and drew with a pencil and paper. it was one of the most familiar yet strangest things i've felt in a long time. the reason being that i work as a graphic designer and i'm used to the mac as my medium. i'm used to tools that draw perfectly straight lines and perfectly round circles. i'm used to an undo key that reverts my design back to what it was before i messed it up. i'm used to a delete button that quickly eliminates my bad ideas. i'm used to speed and efficiency and i can't believe it's been so long since i've drawn something by hand.

growing up, my favorite thing to do was draw. i loved it. i would easily spend over 50 hours on a colored-pencil drawing of mulder & scully from the x-files. the first big purchase i made in my life were my colored pencils. they cost me about $120 and could be considered my best investment. nothing felt better than finishing a project and being proud of the end result and the effort that went into it. back then, i did it for me. it was theraputic, exciting, challenging, relaxing and such a big part of who i was.

now i "draw" for a "living." i've lost my hobby. i design on-demand, work during uncreative hours, take orders from clients who have no taste or understanding of what i do, and have no desire to do art for myself anymore. i don't necessarily regret choosing my passion as my job, but i know part of me is lost. i wonder if i'll ever have the desire to pull out my beloved colored pencils. i wonder if i could even create what i used to with them. i wonder if i continue doing graphic design that i'll lose even more of my love and ambition for what used to make me feel the most at peace.