i'm going to be great at giving birth

so today i had the first cavity filling experience of my life. i know that's nothing revolutionary, but when you're a creative person with an over-active imagination and a bunch of needles and a drill in your mouth, it's not exactly easy to just pass off. i have always been scared of shots and physical pain, but the older i get, the more i realize the fear mostly comes from the fact that those things aren't usually in my control. for example, i had my ears pierced when i was younger but i let them close up. later i wanted them pierced again, and the idea of me taking some ice and a needle to my ears was somehow more comfortable to me than going to claires to have the studs shot through my lobes by someone else. so i that's what i did and it really isn't bad (in case you were looking for something to do the next time you're drunk or high).

another example is with tatoos. now i can't exactly give myself a tatoo, but in my head that kind of pain is ok to me, too. it's pain by choice. my choice. plus the tatoo artists i've been to are always kind enough to take breaks when i ask them to, so in a way i have control of when the pain is being inflicted.

this whole cavity filling thing was not like that at all. about a week ago my tooth was starting to feel a little weird when i chewed on things, so i thought i should get it checked out. today i was just expecting them to take a quick look and then schedule an appointment for next week or something––so i'd have time to freak out over the weekend at least. nope, that didn't happen. i show up, they look at my tooth, have me bite down on some weird stick thing and the next thing i know they're sticking me with needles...

*red alert. happening too fast. must breathe. one shot isn't numbing me enough? breathe again. good lord, how long does it take to squirt some more damn novocane into my gums? get on with it! breathe. oh god, is that a drill? i use one of these to hang pictures in my house. what the hell is that smell? have a taken a breath in the last 3 minutes? is my mouth numb enough yet? i don't know, i can still feel something... kind of like pain, but that could just be me freaking out. oh great, really? another shot? why do these damn shots take forever! ...and we're drilling again... keep eyes closed. think about something else... something other than a drill in my tooth and that horrible smell. we can put people on the moon but drilling a tooth still takes this long? ok, he stopped. keep eyes closed. and oh yeah, breathe. oh fuck, they're opening my mouth again. and fuck again, i hear that stupid drill... but wait, what the hell is this? did they triple the size of bit they had on that sucker before? why? this can't be good. think of something else... like breathing... or whether or not abc would have the balls to kill of meridith. they would have my respect forever if they did... phew, he's stopped. and reassured me that the hard part is over! cool! now i just hold this uncomfortable position for the next 10 minutes and try not to move even if i have to swallow. because that will mess things up. hold still. keep holding. never mind that overwhelming urge to attempt to swallow. ok, fine. give in and try it... that didn't help at all. keep holding still. what the hell is that beeping thing? and now we have a new smell, but at least there's no more drilling. it seems like he's done! now we have to what? even what out? dammit, it's that mother fucking drill again! this should go quick though, right? ... right? ... ok, this sucks even worse than i thought it would. man, i'm a wuss....*