girl obligations
ok, we have periods, we have babies, we ate the effing apple first, i get it. and honestly, i'm ok with those things at this point. what i'm not ok with is the most painful punishment for being a girl that seems to go unmentioned: showers.
yes, i'm talking about baby showers, wedding showers and whatever else they decide to start throwing showers for. they suck. if i wanted to be around a bunch of girls doing annoying, super girly things, i would have joined a sorority. every time i get a pink envelope in the mail, my mind is immediately filled with the horrifying images of dungy old church basements, mystery punch and reused streamers. it's enough to make me seriously consider a sex change.
it doesn't even matter who the shower is for, i never want to go. i know this makes me a horrible friend, but if you really were my friend, you wouldn't put me through the pain and torture of getting up early on a weekend morning to try and guess how many marshmallows are in that damn jar, or melt an ice cube to find a creepy, small plastic baby inside. if you really were my friend, you'd let me stay in bed. i mean, even god understands why i don't go to church.
but it doesn't start or end with the cold cuts, non-alcoholic drinks and stupid games. nope, there's the act of finding a gift. guys don't have to spend money on other kids's diapers or waste an afternoon walking around target trying to find aisle 79b with the cinnamon hand towels that are supposed to cost $5.99. no matter how hard you look, you can't find cinnamon hand towels that cost $5.99 in aisle 79b. eventually you end up buying some towels that look more like orange rugs, and make damn sure to get the gift receipt.
the only person i really have to thank in all of this, is the person who invented the gift bag. although, what would be even more ideal is to have gift bags as an option in the checkout line, "paper, plastic or 'congratulations it's a girl' pink?"
i write all this as my own baby showers loom on the horizon. i know they will save me a lot of money on bibs and blankets, but is it worth the price of my sanity? only time will tell...
yes, i'm talking about baby showers, wedding showers and whatever else they decide to start throwing showers for. they suck. if i wanted to be around a bunch of girls doing annoying, super girly things, i would have joined a sorority. every time i get a pink envelope in the mail, my mind is immediately filled with the horrifying images of dungy old church basements, mystery punch and reused streamers. it's enough to make me seriously consider a sex change.
it doesn't even matter who the shower is for, i never want to go. i know this makes me a horrible friend, but if you really were my friend, you wouldn't put me through the pain and torture of getting up early on a weekend morning to try and guess how many marshmallows are in that damn jar, or melt an ice cube to find a creepy, small plastic baby inside. if you really were my friend, you'd let me stay in bed. i mean, even god understands why i don't go to church.
but it doesn't start or end with the cold cuts, non-alcoholic drinks and stupid games. nope, there's the act of finding a gift. guys don't have to spend money on other kids's diapers or waste an afternoon walking around target trying to find aisle 79b with the cinnamon hand towels that are supposed to cost $5.99. no matter how hard you look, you can't find cinnamon hand towels that cost $5.99 in aisle 79b. eventually you end up buying some towels that look more like orange rugs, and make damn sure to get the gift receipt.
the only person i really have to thank in all of this, is the person who invented the gift bag. although, what would be even more ideal is to have gift bags as an option in the checkout line, "paper, plastic or 'congratulations it's a girl' pink?"
i write all this as my own baby showers loom on the horizon. i know they will save me a lot of money on bibs and blankets, but is it worth the price of my sanity? only time will tell...
posted by dub at 9:01 AM
2 Comments:
Haha, I'm going to boycott your shower now. ;) Just kidding, I'll come bearing...um, well not alcohol since you can't drink, but...SOMETHING to dull the pain!
we SO have to hang out. I loathe SHOWERS. I boycotted my own.
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